Love. Money. Win (2014)

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WHAT A YEAR!!! 2014 was one I couldn’t even have fathomed. A few highlights of my year included landing a job, working on a successful congressional campaign, and experiencing my first REAL kiss. The start of it should have served as a precursor for the rest of the year to be honest. At the end of 2013, there was a word search that was circulating on Instagram and the first three words you were able to spot were the “fortunes” that you could expect for the year. Of course I found my three words, and reposted it not knowing that those three words would really be apart of my overall experience for the year. Love, Money, and Win. Those were my three words.

Love. Now technically I’ve been single for the whole year but I did find love. I found a new sense of self-love and love of life. Also I saw a sneak peak of what love could be for me. I don’t know if I was hot this year or what but seems like there wasn’t a moment when I wasn’t talking to someone. Kind of strange for me seeing as though I lead a very “one” (by my self) lifestyle. None of those situations developed into anything of substance though. One almost did but the cards weren’t in our favor. It wasn’t meant to be. At the start of 2014 to about almost mid 2014 I was spiraling downward and rapidly. I thought I had a grip on my “addiction” but seems like I really didn’t. One day I had to ask myself… “Who are you?” by the time September came around I had a wake up call. After receiving that call I snapped out of my trance and habit of bad and reckless behavior and suddenly started developing some self-worth and self-love. Not that I hated myself but the situations I was involving myself in were becoming a bit ridiculous and destructive to my personal life. Faced with some challenges here and there I figured that without love… I was nothing. Probably one of my most profound discoveries of the year. Because as you all know; God is love. So through Him I re-found love. Reestablishing my connection with Him was wonderful. Only because I have Him in my life is why and how I was able to get successfully out of my situations. That wasn’t me at all, but all Him.

I didn’t become a millionaire during the year. Hell, I didn’t even become a quarter of a millionaire. But in regards to money I landed my first official real job on my own merit. I was so excited and proud of myself for this feat. For about a month, I waited patiently and with some prayer and persistence I got hired. Had some good times and learned a lot while working at the restaurant but I was let go after a few months. At first, I was upset. But then I was relieved. Not trying to sound like a total priss but waiting on people, handling dirty dishes, cleaning tables, sweating, isn’t my idea of a good time. Especially when it’s involving tons of people I don’t know from a grain of sand. The pay was… well.. below minimum wage. Some nights tips were great. Some nights were $0.14. It wasn’t steady and living off the pay was unrealistic. At most it kept groceries in the house and afforded me a few sale items.
After two months of being unemployed I was hired yet again at my second ever job and this time at a place I was sure to enjoy. My current job for the time being is a perfect match for me and I love it. The management team is wonderful and the above minimum wage pay is nice as well. Now if only I can get more hours. But I won’t complain. In two days I make what took four with tips at the restaurant. In spite of that, I’m grateful.

So overall, I think I won this year. It was filled with TONS of experiences that I will never forget. 2014 was a true learning year and one full of self discovery. At the end of 2013 I didn’t plan half of the stuff that happened in 2014 but I guess that’s what made the year what it was. Lost some friends, sacrificed some relationships for the sake of “getting the job done” and I can honestly say I would do it all again. While people have set resolutions I haven’t. But one thing I did promise myself was that in 2015 I will truly live life unapologetically. Thanks for everything 2014!! Good riddance!!!!

Sexcape

When life gets hard
and I need an escape,
I just go out and
find me a date.

To ease the pain
and run away
I get on my  back
and just lay.

Tall, short, heavy, thin
nothing matters when I’m
escaping what’s within.

Too many things going on
in my head,
call me a THOT
but for the night
all I want is you
in my bed.

Or I can be in yours,
but don’t call me your girl
just sssshhhh play in curls.

When I moan and shout
its me releasing all the
pain and doubt.
So the last thing I want
is for you to cover my mouth.

Don’t muffle me
I do that enough to myself
all I wanna do is hear
the sound of your belt.

When your pants hit the ground
I know its going down.
But don’t worry about that,
I’ll go first.
Let me suck you like I love you,
let me suck you like I want you,
I’ll suck you like I’ll love
to never have you leave.

Bets believe its not you I want
but rather the thing
that pulsates and jumps
right between your legs.

Don’t come yet
I’m not ready
don’t make me beg.

As soon as you bust
then I know it’s time
That I must get back
to my reality.

But I rather not be,
I like my sexcapes
they’re how I keep my sanity.

I’m Not Doing That…

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NO!
2 letters – 1 syllable, and quite possibly one of the hardest words for me to say. As of late I’ve been exercising the practice of saying no and putting my foot down. Not that anyone is taking advantage of me per say,but I think some people close to me know what to expect from me…which is an answer of yes.
My inability to say no especially to friends have put me in stressful situations. Sometimes I want to deny them of whatever the request may have been for simple reasons such as fatigue, hunger, and just pure laziness. One thing I always tell people is when doing something for others make sure that you’re doing it because you really want to do it. If you’re expecting something from them in return then it wouldn’t be wise to hold your breath. When I do things for my friends it is truly out of the kindness of my heart and because I care for and about them.
I won’t lie, sometimes when I ask for a favor and I’m denied I think,“really, even after I helped you with…”. Soon after I snap out of that and remind myself that I did that not for the future rewards of having it done back but because I wanted to do it to help others. However, it is very easy for people to get pushed over. Even though I don’t always say no when I should; I fear that if I don’t say no more often then it will. Funny thing is when a person says no it really is like you never said yes. The one time you can’t do something for someone it’s all types of things. You’re reminded of how they helped you when you needed it, how you’re not being a good friend, and the real stinger… that you’re being SELFISH! While I have a problem with all those things the selfish one really hits hard. It’s like if you’re not constantly being a “yes-er” then somehow that qualifies you as selfish. Funny actually, I can bet that anyone that calls you selfish in that situation has had their more than fair share of “NO’s”. To try to manipulate someone to make them do what you want by playing on their emotions is just twisted. I truly think that you see the depth of your friendship with people when you say no to a request and their reaction thereafter. Now I’m not suggesting anyone go out and say no to a serious question like… “Hey Ray, I need $50 for my utility bill. I’m short this month. Can you spot me the $50. I am saying no to the … “ Hey Ray, come to the salon with me while I get my hair and nails done so you can keep me company” question. Like, what? Basically wanting you to take time out of your day to be there muse. While you on the other hand have no intentions on paying for any of those services for yourself. May seem minor but, when questions like that are common it gets pretty annoying, really fast. But of course you’re going to be a horrible friend if you say no because you have other obligations that don’t involve them. But I digress.
Learning the power and usage of no will come in handy in a number of areas outside of friendships and even at work. When your co-workers need your help to help them out. But once again be careful with this. You can find yourself doing your job task as well as theirs and that’s never a good thing unless they’re going to hand over their paycheck.
I’m learning as I go in this production called life. I’ll make some mistakes, miss a few lines, but my final act will be a great one. I’m learning to say NO and stand by word and convictions when I do so. Saying yes shouldn’t add negative stress to my life and cause me a burden. If anyone has a problem with me denying them of a favor or whatever the request then maybe I should re-evaluate what position they should play in my life. So, I charge you all out there that are like me, to practice saying no. Write in the comment section and let me know how it goes. Until next time… KUFURAHIA!

Sun Ray

Sunshine, sun bright,
sun shine on me make
me his sun ray.
Sun burn, sun turn
sun guide me to the light.
Its simple. The greens are greens the
the blues are blues isn’t evident
that it’s you who I choose?
Outdoors with one, the one, without one
I am none.

Art Thou Woman Or THOT?

So I was sitting around one day with a group of girl friends just catching up and you know talking our regular jargon. And of course we got on the topic of sex. As my girlfriends were going around in a circle sharing experiences, techniques, and etc., I thought to myself “geesh we like sex just as much as men”. Then the conversation got a little serious. One of my friends wondered that if because she is a sexual being and thoroughly enjoys sex if she is promiscuous. So after she was finished talking the rest of the girls were wondering the same thing about them selves. I quickly reassured them that because they enjoy sex that does not make them anymore sexually deviant than men and that society is to blame for their way of thinking.

In society today it’s an interesting movement going on and that movement is women being sexually liberated individuals. We can either celebrate this movement or be like our predecessors from the 50s and frown upon them. I for one am an advocate for this free form of expression. It’s empowering to see women taking charge of their lives and doing what makes them happy. Society and their views control too much of what people do and hey I’m all for the rebellion!
Some people still have this double standard ideal that women can’t or shouldn’t be sexual beings in the same sense that guys are. That’s crazy! We all have hormones and get excited and have urges. Women shouldn’t have to apologize for such feelings. It’s amazing how some think that women are suppose to be anti-zealous of this craving as if it isn’t a human reaction. In my honest opinion (as is this post and all other posts) as long as no cheating is being done then by all means live life and be merry. I am no one to judge and/or criticize.
Let’s get into “slut shamming”. Nothing grinds my gears more than another woman calling another slut. Why is she a slut? Because she’s brave enough to go after what she wants without a care of other’s opinion of her? Or are you just jealous because you’re not as brave. It’s so funny how concerned grown people who claim to be oh so busy and submerged into their own work and lives have enough energy to comment on someone’s life. While you’re upset and “hating” on her, she’s living life in the clouds while you’re at home alone frustrated out of your mind. All of our s*#! stinks, it just happens to smell differently.
Now men calling women sluts… what’s up with that? Do I need to hold up a mirror? You call her slut but hound her at the club and jump in her DMs. Now if you’re ever so fortunate to lay this woman is she still a slut at the point. If you lie down with a dog you get fleas so… what does all of that make you? I’m just asking questions at this point because I’m a little confused. You see her and are attracted to her but after you get what you want if you get what you want she’s a slut. Just amazing how quickly it switches up.
What you do in the bedroom (or wherever) is your business and yours alone. Be confident and prideful in what you’re doing and if you’re not then maybe just maybe you shouldn’t be doing it… I’m just saying. Don’t be ashamed of being a sexual being. Just keep it real and know what you’re doing. But, however you choose to look at it my beautiful people remember one thing, WRAP IT UP and be safe. Kufurahia(enjoy)!

 

1 Meat… 2 Sides

Ever go out to a restaurant and the menu features the option of an entree and two sides? That’s kind of sorta like what my life is right now. I’ll share an example…
I would say that my meat is love and my two sides are two prospects that have all of my attention. This is very weird for me because while I am highly attracted to men I don’t fall for them as easily as one might believe. For me to consider someone worthy of my attention and be compelled to the point of genuinely liking them and desiring to want to be with them romantically, takes a lot. It requires me to have what I believe to be a deep connection with the person.
So that’s why this situation is really weird for me. I have two amazing people that definitely have the ability and opportunity to steal my heart. If I had to make a choice right now today on which side I wanted I couldn’t make a choice. I wouldn’t be able to make a discussion. The two sides are so different but so similar. They both appeal to me in very different ways. My palette itself is so… eclectic that it’s hard for me to just decide on what I want.
In my head I’m currently dealing with a bit of a conundrum. My indecisive characteristic is making this hard for me. I don’t know if i want savory or fiery, tart or sweet, robust or soft. Guess I’ll have to listen to how my stomach growls and decide on meal.

Scorn But Not Scared

BlogI gave certain men power over me through the years. Power to use me, abuse me, and still never choose me. When I first thought about writing this post I was like “eh, maybe a little too much for the web” then I said whatever might as well maybe someone out there will benefit from me.

It’s amazing how much trauma and how much a person will put up with. I thought because I wasn’t in a relationship with anyone I was undamaged goods, that I wasn’t tainted, that somehow I managed to dodge being exposed to some not so good men and silly choices. Yea, I was wrong. I had been exposed and for years I inhaled the toxic poison of another’s lies that were told through what I thought were heartfelt words and actions.

I never thought I would be capable of loving a human being in a romantic sense but then I fell in love… hard. I like to think that what made the experience so “unique” was the fact that I totally ignored the fact that the feelings I was having towards this person were never reciprocated back to me. Guess I was too busy being infatuated and caught up in the lifelike fantasies that were playing in my head.

Simply put, I was played. Played like GTA V (Grand Theft Auto Five)  when it first came out. Some time later the person admitted to basically stringing me a long and carrying on with me as long as they did knowing they didn’t feel the same way.

Some people would just become bitter and let the situation turn them cold. But I couldn’t feel that way. From that experience I am thankful. I learned a lot about myself and what I like and what I don’t like. Because of it I am a stronger person now, I know how to properly sort my feelings and I know what to look for. I’m wiser from that. I gave my mind, body, and soul to someone who wasn’t worthy of it. I don’t hold any grudges against men and think that they’re all the same. Rather I’m hopeful that somewhere out there it’s someone ready for the abundance of love I have to give.

True Love Waits…

When I was in middle school I was in a chastity program where I made a promise to God that I would hold off from sexual activity until I was married. Let me tell you all that I was scared at the thought of even maybe entertaining sex. In this program they had slide show presentations that showed the most horrific and extreme cases of STDs and HIV/AIDS. So I was pretty much convinced that sex was a bad bad thing and that one day my “Mr. Charming” would come along, marry me, and we’d be making love until the next century.

Fast forward to me in college at age 22 and I’m thinking slightly different. Not necessarily about abstinence but about true love waiting. I take that phrase as something more than sexual purity but rather as a way of thinking and going about relationships as a whole.

Ever really care about someone and you two just seem to click, but for some reason a romantic relationship just doesn’t seem to spur? I believe that when we do meet this person we are divinely destined to be with that sometimes the lifestyle we’re living isn’t compatible with the type of love that is about to enter it. I’m usually not one for clichés but you all know this one… love is like a boomerang if you love something throw it away and if it comes back then its yours. You claim to love someone but how long are you willing to wait? Love is patient. If you really love something and believe in your heart that it’s for you then don’t give up on it so easily. A diamond is a diamond, but would you really give a 4 year-old a diamond ring? No, they wouldn’t know how to care for it or appreciate it as much and the same can be said about love. So to all my “I don’t know why we’re not together” folks out there just hang tight if that’s the person for you then that person is for you.

“Love is patient, love is kind.
It does don’t envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered
it keeps no record of wrong.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

A Quick Word On Healing

Through my years and experiences I’ve learned one constant thing time and time again. The healing process can be very long and hard. Sometimes there are stages of healing that we must go through. In my most recent experience I went from thinking this person was the sole bane of my existence, to completely ignoring them, to finally accepting what is. When I did that I learned that though, it may have seemed silly for me to feel the way I did and act the way I did it’s what I needed in order to heal and get over what it was I going through. It’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to ignore the issue, but know that in due time you ARE going to face the problem and in time you WILL get over it.

We try to be too strong and reject our feelings; time has taught me that doing such only leaves me to bear the pain even longer. Some situations required me to do some real soul searching and self-introspect. Yea, it was pretty deep. Sometimes we’re hurt so bad we don’t want to think about the event that happened but I believe that we’re more afraid to address the real issue of it all… the “what do I do now?” question. I don’t know about anyone reading but that question is single-handedly the most daunting and draining question known to mankind (in my book). What ever has happened, happened. You can’t change that. That’s the easy part, the hard part is deciding what avenue to take next to resolve it. Now that’s when the soul searching takes place (if needed).

Don’t fret if you can’t automatically think of an answer. We’re humans; we’re very complex creatures and our mind is just as complex. So to wrap this up, just take your time and heal no one is rushing you or expects for you to bounce back like a rubber band. You’ll get there eventually. Just remember to not blame yourself and know that what happened was meant to happen.

Not-so-private “Privacy Window”

This post isn’t intended to be long at all.
Well I was using the privacy window to look up an old “friend” and didn’t really want to do it from my account in fear of accidently doing something that would alert the person of my spying. So I did my looking and left the window up by accident. Needless to say that a privacy window on the computer doesn’t come in handy if you leave it up for others to see. It was tough explaining to my roommate what I was doing. It just looked bad. I learned a tough lesson. But trust me that’s my last time making that mistake.

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